Thinking in squares, round and round. A bit like a merry-go-round. Coming off and coming on. Literally.
A lesson in pacing myself; spacing time out. Not minding much- it’s okay- but I think that you would like all these little things I am seeing and I want to tell you all about them without having to tell you about them.
Shoes everywhere, on my floor. Things. Continually tidying my room, but I don’t mind so much anymore. I like my room. I’ve laughed here, I’ve cried here and there are some very intimate memories in here.
Maybe there will be this nothingness after there was a somethingness. Everyone has their fingers crossed, their half-smiles, their gladness that something good came out of these past few months.
But don’t you see, I feel like saying, I had to do everything. I had to go down to come back up. I had to learn this, now. So much good has come out of it. It has just taken a while to see. I had to go a little roundabout way to understand something fundamental about myself that I’ve always known.
But back to this particular thought cloud- I am not so afraid of the nothingness as I would have been. I am just tired, is all. Tired of the somethingness that will come around again. Tired of the motions, tired of the rush of emotion and excitement, ecstasy.
There is a lot of truth that I value in the bits of wisdom people have shelled out for me. Learning to love yourself covers so many things and explains so many things. I see it now.
Worth, worth, what is my worth? I know what it is. Worth is 17 year old Amanda, eyes open to the dusk and feeling the landslide fall around the emotions of that sleepy afternoon.